1000 Ways To Die
by PrussianSecretPolice
Summary: So, you've seen the show, right? Well, here is a Hetalia-ized version of the strange and unusual ways to die we face everyday. Based off of the show "1000 Ways To Die"
1. Hats All Folks

_So, this is another wierd story idea of mine that may or may not go anywhere. I wanted to get this up today, so it's a bit rushed, but it should get the point across and I'll probably end up re-writing it anyway. _

_In case you haven't guessed by the title yet, this is going to be based off of episodes from the TV show 1000 Ways To Die. I got the idea after watching a few episodes and realizing that Denmark dying from ripping his intestines out on a nail would totally work (that one will most definitely be coming up - stay tuned). If you don't watch this show or have no idea what it is, you must live under a rock and should probably relocate yourself to Google at this time. _

_Anyway, first up is England in his wierd death debut. I thought this totally fit him for some strange reason. _

_I own nothing here except the story(?) (psh . . . as if). _

* * *

Hats All Folks

_1849  
Danbury, Connecticut_

Have you ever heard of the phrase 'mad as a hatter'?

If you have, ever wondered where it came from?

Well, here to demonstrate is Arthur Kirkland, a hatter living in Danbury, Connecticut who had immigrated to the United States from London. Arthur was quite well known around town, but not for his wonderful hat making.

Arthur Kirkland was, to put it lightly, completely and totally barking mad.

When Arthur first moved to Danbury, the people thought that he was a pleasant enough fellow who had a real talent for making hats. All of his hats were near flawless and fitted to a tee; absolutely perfect.

However, after a few years, Arthur's clients grew fewer and fewer as Arthur himself lost more and more of his mind.

It really started one day when the banker, Vash Zwingli, came into Arthur's shop one afternoon. The Swiss immigrant approached Arthur's little desk calmly, glancing around at the hats on the shelves as Arthur made his appearance. Slender, pale hands swept the curtain that separated the front of the shop from the back aside, revealing the primly dressed and almost twiggy figure of Arthur himself. Vash smiled nervously at the hatter, trying to brush off the unnerving stare that the green-eyed Briton was giving him.

"Evening," the banker began, reaching up to tug the tall hat he wore off of his head. "I was wondering if you could refit my hat for me."

Arthur simply stared at Vash.

"Mr. Kirkland?"

Suddenly, Arthur opened his mouth and loosed a horrid shriek at Vash, causing the Swiss banker to take a step backwards. The dull look never once left Arthur's eyes as his scream slowly died off, leaving Vash slightly concerned for the hatter. Nodding nervously, the banker slowly backed away from the desk and practically fled the shop.

But, not before Arthur grabbed a long pin from a dummy beside him and stabbed the back of his hand with it, finally showing some emotion by laughing uncontrollably while the pin sank deeper into his hand.

Another instance, much later on down the road, a German businessman by the name of Ludwig Beilschmidt in town on business stopped by Arthur's shop, interested in purchasing a hat. Arthur had given him a thoughtful look, tapping his fingers on the little desk and chewing on his lip before stepping around the taller German to a shelf nearby.

Ludwig's eye twitched irritably as Arthur returned with an elegant, lacy lady's hat, the hatter's hands trembling as they placed the hat upon the German's head before the Briton lapsed into giggles. The businessman stared as Arthur doubled over, giggling before pulling a double-take at Ludwig's face. A horrified look crossed the hatter's face, and a single cry of 'Swine!' escaped him before his palm collided with Ludwig's left cheek. Gasping, the German doubled over, the hat falling from his head and pain blossoming in his cheek from the strike.

"Out!" Arthur bellowed, pointing violently to the door. "OUT!"

Ludwig, terrified, obeyed.

Arthur Kirkland suffered from a disease that some called Danbury shakes, but is more commonly known as mercury poisoning. It was pretty common among hatters due to the fact that, when they felted pelts for hats, they used a dilute solution made of mercuric nitrate and mercury. Inhaling the vapors from this solution for years upon years would, inevitably, lead to mercury poisoning in hatters.

The mercury that Arthur had been inhaling for a good ten years slowly but surely destroyed his internal workings and scrambling his brain. Eventually, his kidneys went on the blink, and, after ten years of talking to the Fae, Mad Arthur's business closed for good.

This fact was discovered when the wife of a wealthy composer entered the shop one day to find Arthur on the floor of his shop naked, covered with hats, painted with mercury, and dead.

* * *

_Yeah. Just like my other story thing, if you watch the show and have suggestions for who should do what, leave a review. If you don't, review anyway and tell me how horribly morbid I am for laughing at a guy who jumps in a lake, gets a colon-ful of water, and drowns (you'll see later if you don't know). _

_Oh, and tell me if there are any mistakes. I dont meen 2 miss spel werds, but i do sumtiems._


	2. Blades of Gory

_So, I just had to do this one for Canada, because we all know he's secretly a big time hardass who smokes a lot of pot and is secretly a lumberjack. Tino is also quite manly, but that's a whole different story. _

_I tried to put all of the big hockey countries in here, and I think I suceeded for the most part except for the Czech Republic and Slovakia. Czech has a cameo, but Slovakia's . . . in the locker room. You don't see him. He's a ninja. _  
_(I have no idea what I'm talking about)_

* * *

Blades of Gory

_Jan. 18, 2009_

_Halifax, Canada_

"I went to a fight, and a hockey game broke out."

We've all heard that joke before, haven't we?

Ain't it the truth?

Matthew Williams didn't look like the kind of fellow to live that joke down, but he sure as hell did.

A scrawny Canadian originally from Montreal, Matthew once dreamed of going pro, but problems with his younger half-brother dragged him back to playing city league. He loved his sport, but many of his teammates thought that he took it way too far. He was overly violent, picked fights on purpose, and often checked his own teammates for the puck. Not many of his teammates liked him, and several would have loved to see him get his just deserts.

Today's victim of Canadian cruelty: Tino Väinämöinen.

As usual, Matthew was wreaking havoc on the ice during a Saturday practice. Little Raivis Galante had already taken two rather violent body checks from the Canadian, and Berwald Oxenstierna had nearly attacked Matthew after he was tripped up by the smaller man's stick at his post in front of the goal. It was when he slammed Ivan Braginski up against the wall a bit too harshly that aforementioned Russian attempted a desperate leap for the Canadian as he skated away with the puck – stolen from his teammate.

Ivan was stopped from murdering Matthew with his stick when Matthew's younger brother, Alfred, skated up and forcibly held the Russian back.

"Cool it, man," Alfred said, placing his own body between Ivan and his brother. "Chill."

"I'm going to _kill_ him," Ivan snarled, still trying to wriggle around Alfred.

"Relax, buddy," Alfred answered, sparing a glance at his brother. "This is all gonna come back and bite him in the ass one day."

The aforementioned bite in the ass came approximately forty seconds after the words left Alfred's mouth.

"Get out of the way!" Matthew snapped, slamming his shoulder into little Tino Väinämöinen's side and forcing the little Finn into the wall. The smaller man gasped, Matthew's elbow digging painfully into his side as the puck was swept away from him.

"Oh, that is it," Tino growled once Matthew had pulled away from him. In one fluid movement, he threw his stick to the ice and tossed his gloves off, more than prepared to murder Matthew Williams with his bare hands. Matthew, seeing the movement out of the corner of his eye and hearing the harsh comment thrown at him in Finnish, slid to a stop and did the same.

Tino leapt first, scrabbling for Matthew's throat with his now-bare hands. Matthew forced him back with his own hands on the Finn's shoulders, the two of them jerking each other and struggling to get a grip on each other through the thick padding of their uniforms. Berwald and Alfred watched in horror as the two grappled, but several others - Ivan, Raivis, and the Czech immigrant from Prague included – watched with amusement and loud cheers.

It wasn't long before Tino went down, the thud of his back on the ice accompanied by a soft gasp from Berwald (it really wasn't a secret that the two were together).

However, as Tino went down, one of his skates came up.

Matthew's eyes went wide as the tip clipped him in the neck, blood almost immediately beginning to spurt from the wound.

"Oh, shit," Alfred breathed, dropping his stick as Matthew began screaming in panic, dropping to the ice and clutching at his neck. Tino scrabbled away, panicked by the single spurt of blood that had hit him in the face and terrified by the dozens more that followed.

No one moved to assist Matthew in any way, the only people moving being Tino (who had latched onto Berwald's arm and had taken to sobbing into the taller male's chest while trying not to puke) and Raivis (who had promptly passed out upon seeing the blood).

It wasn't long before Matthew Williams lay still in a dark puddle of his own blood.

Matthew never made pro, but he sure as hell left a mark.

* * *

_Okay, just so we're clear, I know nothing about hockey. I don't know anything about any sport really . . . just curling . . . and I don't even really know much about that . . .  
The point is, if something's wrong, let me know. I'm an American girl whose sports enthusiasm extends to the occasional Nascar race and soccer game. I know nothing._

_Anyhooser, please review and suggest things! It was kind of sad how excited I was when I saw that I had four reviews on this in the first day. _

_Do it. Click the button. You know you want to._


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